The past 10 years I stayed in my comfort zone. I had an AMAZING job that I absolutely loved, clients that I adored, money that really allowed so much more financial freedom and allowed me to help my husband go back to school to find his passion in the health care field. I thought I was happy. I thought I had it figured out, I thought I knew what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I was oblivious to the fact that my body was breaking down, my anxiety and emotions were getting the better of me, I always felt a negative energy around certain people at work and it brought me down. I took it home with me and sometimes took it out on my poor family. It wasn't fair to them.
When Peter died last October I realized just how much I had missed. Yes I had given him as good of a life as I could, made sure he traveled as much as he could and experienced new things and had fun. But looking back I was gone from my house 50+ hours a week, between work , commute and church callings. I kind of had my a-ha moment and a mini mental break down. I decided then and there that work and church callings were NOT going to keep me away from my family. I had prioritized them for so long over my own family, and that in turn caused damage to relationships with my kids, my husband, many tears and frustrations and anxiety. I thought I was doing the right thing. Helping us gain our financial freedom, allowing us to pay our bills and have 2 nice cars to drive, sending my husband back to school mid life, allowing us to go on fun vacations and be able to provide "the things". But in doing this I lost out on too much time. I had sundays and mondays off, but sundays always seemed to be filled with church stuff and by the time Monday rolled around I was so tired and had to get everything done that I couldnt during the week. It was just a vicious cycle.
When we moved to Idaho, I made the conscious decision NOT to go back to work in the public sector. I realized that what I thought was an amazing life was actually a pretty toxic environment, and I was slowly losing myself and being brought down. It's funny how once you are away from a situation you see just how damaging it was.
I have 1 child left and he is a senior this year. He already has abandonment issues from when his brother was little, and we were constantly in the hospitals with him and poor son was shuffled around from friend to friend and grandparents to watch for weeks at a time. Because of this he has always been a homebody, always wanted to be with us or near us, spend time with us. I was not going to abandon him again.
WANT#1- Be able to spend as much time with family as possible.
I also have struggled over the past 20 years with body image and weight. I am very self conscious about my weight , and have been a chronic yo yo dieter. One time I lost 75 pounds. I was a size away from my goal and then all hell broke loose. My dad died, my grandma died, my husband went back to school and I was the sole breadwinner for 2 years. It was a stress-fest and I quickly gained it back plus interest.
I tried to get back on the wagon many times and would do well for a minute, lose a few pounds, but then it would all fall apart. When Peter died I fell into a super-funk and did nothing but ate ice cream and drank pop and made cookies. I ate my feelings. By the time we moved to Idaho I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I couldnt even go for a little walk without feeling completely winded and just shattered physically. It was ridiculous. I knew I needed to get my eating and health under control. My blood pressure was THROUGH THE ROOF, my sugar was borderline and I wasnt sleeping well, none of my bodily cycles and functions were right and I struggled with chronic breakouts, yeast infections and UTI's. My eczema was in a constant state of flare-up. I was a hot frigging mess. I had hit rock bottom physically, knew I needed to do something, and I knew I was finally ready for a permanent change.
WANT#2- Get my health and weight under control. Be there so I can watch my son grow up and go to college and have a family of his own. Be able to go out in nature and hike and ski and white water raft without killing myself or being so out of shape I couldnt participate. (DO you know what it is like to sign up for zip-lining and then being told you are too heavy and wont fit into the harness?...I do.)
WANT #3- finding financial freedom. Creating and sticking to a budget. Working from home, being my own boss, finding the right fit for me to create the residual wealth I need. Having the money coming in, but being my own boss, taking charge of my own schedule, my own time. Not being a slave to a timeclock. Being able to have the finances for what we want and need and still having the time for my family.
WANT#4- overcoming my anxieties and putting myself out there for people.Opening myself up and being more genuine. Trying new things and not be afraid to fail.
So over the past month I have discovered 2 amazing companies. One is a wellness and eating plan. I loved it so much that I have become a coach and can help others on the same health and weightloss journey reach their goals. In 24 days I have lost 23 pounds and 18 overall inches. My body stays in constant fat burn mode and I lose weight while eating all day. I even get to eat things like pancakes and waffles and brownies! whaaaaa???? I love the community, I love the positivity, I love that this plan isnt a "diet". It is a lifestyle change and they help you figure out what your triggers are, they help you combat your old negative and bad habits. They make you more aware of your surroundings, and help you keep focused. My chronic infections and UTI have cleared up, my wacked out cycles are normalizing and I am never hungry and never feel deprived or feel like it is a diet. This amazing opportunity has ticked off all my boxes: This allows me to stay home (#1), Get my health and weight back under control (#2), By being a coach helps me find financial freedom (#3), and is helping me overcome my anxieties and putting myself out there for people(#4). I will be at my goal by Christmas.
Side note- If I can help you reach your health and wellness goals, let me know!!
The other company is a nutraceutical that has CHANGED MY LIFE. in less than 6 weeks my arthritis pain is almost all but gone. My skin has cleared up, I sleep better and have energy through the roof. No pop or energy drinks or caffeine needed!! Both my husband and I decided to take the plunge and become distributors for this product and again, it ticks all my boxes Family time, Health and wellness, financial freedom and overcoming anxieties and putting myself out there.
So with this Nutraceutical they have a rolling 90 day health and wellness challenge. Winner gets 10k, and there are 10 honorable mentions for 1k each. I decided to REALLY put myself out there and enter the contest. I have NEVER done anything like this before. I had to get dressed into something that showed off every lump, bump and fat roll and then take a picture from the front, the back and the side. I wanted to die from embarrassment. Those pictures made me so ashamed at how far I had let myself go and was a good reminder why I was doing this. In the mirror I didnt feel like it was too bad, but then to see it on film...I wanted to throw up.
But I will say that there was something almost liberating about uploading those photos and hitting submit. I know in 90 days that I will be able to confidently upload my after pictures and be so proud of how far I will have come. I know that between my lifestyle change and my optimal health that even if I dont win the contest, I will already be a winner. I can have something to be proud of!
Putting myself out there for the world to see was HARD, and it kind of sucked.
I have also decided to do more charity work. We went to an orchard owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, out in Caldwell Idaho. We helped pick peaches for their cannery to put in their storehouse and send out all over the world to the poor and needy. I met someone who owns a hospice here in Boise and I volunteered to come in and cut hair for some of the residents if they would like. I am trying to be out in the community more and do more.
I am trying to be the person I knew I could always be, but was too shy and anxious and scared to be. 2020 has kicked my butt, but it has also put me through the refiners fire and I will come out strong and unbreakable. Getting outside myself and really getting outside my comfort zone will take practice. I know the more I do it, the easier it will get. I just have to take those opportunities to do it. Make those opportunities.
I am grateful I have the time to get back to my blog, what a theraputic tool for me!
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