Daily Struggle- grief post

 Many people know that September is a Challenging month in our house.  It marks the birth of our first Child, and then 2 weeks later marks the death of that child. Then September 30/Oct 1, marks the death of our oldest son.  This is the 22 year that we have been without Jillian.  She was only 2 weeks old when she passed from a genetic condition called Trisomy 18.  We only had her sweet perfect soul for 14 days, I thought my mothers heart couldnt break any more.  Every September 4 and September 18 a little piece of my heart breaks all over again.  But After 22 years it certainly has gotten easier. We have Family Day on those 2 days. We dont go to work, and we just spend time with our family. We talk about her and our memories we had with her for that short time. So for the past 19 years September was Jillian month, and we just tried to get through it best we could.

NOW.... 

This Sept 30/Oct 1 marks the 1 year anniversary of Peters passing (King Peter).  I spent so many years of my life and his life keeping him alive.  I spent the majority of his life taking him to dr appointments, specialists, procedures. After his heart transplant I spent hours making sure he was eating right, exercising, keeping his new heart healthy. We made sure he was able to live the life that he wanted to live. Made sure he got to see and do and experience as much as possible within his limits. I worked hard to make sure we had the money and insurance to see to his needs. I spent 19 years catering to his various whims and obsessions(The Wiggles, Bob the Builder, Cars, Thomas the Train, The Flash, Dr Who, The Avengers etc) I spent 19 years doing this.  When he died, i floundered.  A huge portion of my "why" was taken away. I spent so long being a protector and caretaker and organizer and advocate, that once he was gone I was lost. I felt like part of my identity was taken away and I didnt know what to do.  Who was I without Peter. I felt like a huge part of my being was wrapped up in being Peters mom.  When that physical part was taken away it threw me in a tailspin. The past year has been kind of a haze. I dont know how I have gotten through to be honest.

the weekend after Peter passed was a general conference for our church. One of the apostles got up and gave a talk about a woman who had lost her husband of like 50 years.  She threw herself into church work and service and a month later she told someone "I feel so happy! Is it bad of me that I am happy when I should be sad?" (or something like that).  Basically  the gist of the story was how the joy of the gospel can help lift us in our darkest times and by serving others we can increase our happiness. And I thought to myself  "EFF YOU ".  In my mind that lady was a terrible liar, she was putting on a brave face and trying to pretend that all was well because she had the gospel and a special light in her life and other bullsh--.( and made me feel less of a christian and upstanding member because I was not happy. )

When Jillian died I only had 2 weeks of experience and memories that I lost. It was devastating. I lost a year of my life grieving. That was only for 2 weeks. 

  Then I lost 19 years and it was soul crushing. I have tried serving others, I have tried immersing myself in the gospel and the love one another thing. I have prayed, I have tried to be happy and find ways to bring happiness. Guess what? I was still not happy.   

In the past 11 and a half months I have come to see that the timeline of events was heaven sent and the best possible case scenario. It still doesnt make it better or easier. I am still angry as hell, and sad and I still cry every single day.  It has been a little easier being away from NC.  At least here there aren't memories around every corner, and associated with everyone you see and meet.  We loved our church family more than we could say, but going to church was the hardest thing for us.  Everyone there knew and loved Peter so much and every person had a memory associated with them. It was just horrendous to go to church every Sunday and come home sobbing uncontrollably.  Every restaurant, every building, every street, every person.  It was unbearable.   A new location and new house and new job have helped immensely. Sometimes removing yourself can help a situation.

The closer I get to October 1st the more I have struggled, and I know it will be years before I am every fully "myself" again. And I dont think I need to hurry or rush the grieving process. I know if I try and "get over it" and force the process it will only make things worse in the long run.  I dont need to be the general conference lady, I can only be me and go through MY grieving process and timeline.

So I struggle, and I continue to struggle. And thats OK, because I know eventually as time removes us more and more from the situation that it will get easier and maybe I will have more peace with it. But right now I am not there.  And I dont apologize for that. I dont try and force things to save face or look better or be strong for others.  I can try and be happy, and I can try and find things that make me happy, but if I feel sad thats ok too.  I can go out and do unto others and do for others and help make the world a better place. I can  help others who are struggling by sharing my struggles. It doesnt mean I have to be over it or be OK with it. 

"Chin Up, Shoulders back. Lets see what we're made of, you and I".  

I miss my dad

I needed to write this out . As I am typing the tears are flowing. I cant believe my dad is gone and I miss his so very much.
The past 8 months have been so stressful and hard for me, and I need to release all the pent up anger, frustration and sadness before it eats me alive.

IT BEGINS:
Back in June 2015, while the family was at the beach, he was complaining of severe back pain. He couldn't enjoy himself, could hardly walk, sit, or spend time with his family comfortably.  It was a shame, because Nags Head was his favorite place.  When he got home, he went to his doctor who sent him in for an x-ray (thinking it was a fractured rib or slipped disc or something).  What they found were lesions, which was indicative of Cancer. After further testing it was revealed that he did indeed have Multiple Myeloma (blood cancer).
At first They were very optimistic and started Chemo and bone strengthening treatments."This can be managed. This is something you die with, not from"  The first few weeks went well, but the treatments quickly started to rear its ugly head.
He couldn't eat or drink without gagging, lost his appetite, was tired and nauseated all the time. He lost weight...a lot of weight. He had to use a cane to walk, He would get winded and exhausted very quickly.
A few months later he was hospitalized. A host of issues were fighting within his body. Dehydration was causing his heart rhythm to get out of whack, which caused things, which caused things, which caused things. A month or so later his kidneys started shutting down and he was put into ICU and immediately started on dialysis.  Dialysis wasn't helping, seemed to be getting worse, then they realized the plasma in the blood was thickening up like a gel in the kidneys causing problems. They started a new treatment, plasmapheresis, that seemed to help.
Then in November, right before Thanksgiving, he contracted Cellulitis on his legs, which put him back in the hospital for quite a long time.  By this time he was so skinny and weak he couldn't even get out of bed. He was in constant pain. His treatments were causing issues that his body couldn't handle.

My sweet dad in the hospital .  This is what the frustration of the illness looks like.  #cancersucks #multiplemyeloma #dad

A photo posted by Sarah Koch McBride (@sarahkochmcbride) on Nov 27, 2015 at 3:30pm PST

bah humbug

Feeling kind of blue and down in the dumps right now..  I find myself getting frustrated easily with hubby and kids. No particular reason. I feel like that old saying "woke up on the wrong side of the bed".

I dont know what the problem is.

 I went to church on Sunday and I listened. I prayed. I participated. I tried. But I was irrationally angry.  The organist was playing too slowly. Babies were crying. Hubby was late to Sunday School, leaving me to sit by myself for 15 minutes like a loser with no friends. I mean irrational.

I snap at my kids for being kids and doing kid things.

Then a few hours later I am fine.

But at least I am coming to the realization that I have no rhyme or reason. But I can recognize when I am being a jerk and feeling mean and ugly and I can stay away from children whose feelings I may hurt. They dont understand why their mom gets jerky. So the best I can do is shut myself in my room for a bit until I feel better.

It isn't all the time. It is maybe a few times a month. I dont swing back and forth manically, and it isnt a constant presence.

Is it my diet and I am hungry??
Is it my medication that causes me to be grouchy on occasion?
Is it exhaustion?
Is it frustration?

I wish I knew.