Many people know that September is a Challenging month in our house. It marks the birth of our first Child, and then 2 weeks later marks the death of that child. Then September 30/Oct 1, marks the death of our oldest son. This is the 22 year that we have been without Jillian. She was only 2 weeks old when she passed from a genetic condition called Trisomy 18. We only had her sweet perfect soul for 14 days, I thought my mothers heart couldnt break any more. Every September 4 and September 18 a little piece of my heart breaks all over again. But After 22 years it certainly has gotten easier. We have Family Day on those 2 days. We dont go to work, and we just spend time with our family. We talk about her and our memories we had with her for that short time. So for the past 19 years September was Jillian month, and we just tried to get through it best we could.
NOW....
This Sept 30/Oct 1 marks the 1 year anniversary of Peters passing (King Peter). I spent so many years of my life and his life keeping him alive. I spent the majority of his life taking him to dr appointments, specialists, procedures. After his heart transplant I spent hours making sure he was eating right, exercising, keeping his new heart healthy. We made sure he was able to live the life that he wanted to live. Made sure he got to see and do and experience as much as possible within his limits. I worked hard to make sure we had the money and insurance to see to his needs. I spent 19 years catering to his various whims and obsessions(The Wiggles, Bob the Builder, Cars, Thomas the Train, The Flash, Dr Who, The Avengers etc) I spent 19 years doing this. When he died, i floundered. A huge portion of my "why" was taken away. I spent so long being a protector and caretaker and organizer and advocate, that once he was gone I was lost. I felt like part of my identity was taken away and I didnt know what to do. Who was I without Peter. I felt like a huge part of my being was wrapped up in being Peters mom. When that physical part was taken away it threw me in a tailspin. The past year has been kind of a haze. I dont know how I have gotten through to be honest.
the weekend after Peter passed was a general conference for our church. One of the apostles got up and gave a talk about a woman who had lost her husband of like 50 years. She threw herself into church work and service and a month later she told someone "I feel so happy! Is it bad of me that I am happy when I should be sad?" (or something like that). Basically the gist of the story was how the joy of the gospel can help lift us in our darkest times and by serving others we can increase our happiness. And I thought to myself "EFF YOU ". In my mind that lady was a terrible liar, she was putting on a brave face and trying to pretend that all was well because she had the gospel and a special light in her life and other bullsh--.( and made me feel less of a christian and upstanding member because I was not happy. )
When Jillian died I only had 2 weeks of experience and memories that I lost. It was devastating. I lost a year of my life grieving. That was only for 2 weeks.
Then I lost 19 years and it was soul crushing. I have tried serving others, I have tried immersing myself in the gospel and the love one another thing. I have prayed, I have tried to be happy and find ways to bring happiness. Guess what? I was still not happy.
In the past 11 and a half months I have come to see that the timeline of events was heaven sent and the best possible case scenario. It still doesnt make it better or easier. I am still angry as hell, and sad and I still cry every single day. It has been a little easier being away from NC. At least here there aren't memories around every corner, and associated with everyone you see and meet. We loved our church family more than we could say, but going to church was the hardest thing for us. Everyone there knew and loved Peter so much and every person had a memory associated with them. It was just horrendous to go to church every Sunday and come home sobbing uncontrollably. Every restaurant, every building, every street, every person. It was unbearable. A new location and new house and new job have helped immensely. Sometimes removing yourself can help a situation.
The closer I get to October 1st the more I have struggled, and I know it will be years before I am every fully "myself" again. And I dont think I need to hurry or rush the grieving process. I know if I try and "get over it" and force the process it will only make things worse in the long run. I dont need to be the general conference lady, I can only be me and go through MY grieving process and timeline.
So I struggle, and I continue to struggle. And thats OK, because I know eventually as time removes us more and more from the situation that it will get easier and maybe I will have more peace with it. But right now I am not there. And I dont apologize for that. I dont try and force things to save face or look better or be strong for others. I can try and be happy, and I can try and find things that make me happy, but if I feel sad thats ok too. I can go out and do unto others and do for others and help make the world a better place. I can help others who are struggling by sharing my struggles. It doesnt mean I have to be over it or be OK with it.
"Chin Up, Shoulders back. Lets see what we're made of, you and I".
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