The Worst Haircut i Ever Had

Last night at Book Club we were sitting around after the discussions and talking about hair, haircuts, bad hair etc. I told them all my "worst haircut I ever had" story and they all said I needed to blog it. So here goes: (just so you know this happened almost 11 years ago in Kentucky. It is still a little painful to talk about...)

I was almost 8 months pregnant with our daughter Jillian. I had long, curly, luxurious hair that in the middle of a sweltering, humid summer was making me crazy. Our Local Val-pak arrived and in the coupons I found one for Bo-Rics. (Home of the 7 dollar haircut). The thought started swirling in my brain that a haircut was a pretty great idea. After all I would be having a baby and shorter hair WOULD be a good idea. Charles was looking pretty shabby too, so we loaded up and headed to Bo-rics (home of the 7 dollar haircut...dont forget). Plus I had a COUPON! I was saving money! With a baby coming we needed to pinch pennies and tighten our belt. I was hellbent on a haircut and by golly charles was going to take me there to get it.

I had it in my mind what kind of haircut I wanted. SOmething cute and easy, like a bob, that was just a little shorter than my shoulders. I had planned on cutting off about 6 inches. I wanted it a little shorter than this picture, which was from a year previous:(cute huh?)

So we load up, drive to Bo-rics(home of the 7$ haircut) and I grab my coupon.
We walk in and see an empty salon and the two people working that day.

1. A middle aged man with the feathered MacGyver haircut. He was wearing khaki pants and a tan button down shirt. In fact he looked like he was on safari, minus the hat. His shirt was unbuttoned several buttons, showing his manly, hairy chest and a gold chain that I am quite positive was tangled in said manly hair.

2. A fat not-quite middle aged woman with a cameltoe, big frizzy permed hair and garish lipstick.

hmmmmm.

That should have been my first clue.

So MacGyver takes me back to the shampoo bowl and washes my hair. I told him exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it cut to.

He starts snipping away, and as he is cutting he is trying to even it up and it is getting shorter, and shorter and shorter. He would cut trying to even up the sides and kept making one side shorter than the other and then would go to the side that was longer and try and even THAT one up, finding it now shorter than the other side. When he finally got it right, my wet hair was now BARELY to the middle of my neck. I stared in the mirror, barely able to comprehend what had just happened. I crumpled the coupon in my hand, twisting it nervously, angry with myself for wrecking my hair...AGAIN.

Oh but wait, it gets worse.

So then MacGyver asks "Would you like bangs?"

me: uh, sure, just small so I can curl them down. Not too thick and not too short

MacGyver: Ok, can do!

MacG goes to work...snip, snip,snip.

I kept thinking "when did bangs start in the middle of my head?"

he just kept snipping. and snipping. And snipping. It looked like I had a dog and a litter of puppies on the floor around my chair. Every few minutes I would look down and a new puppy was added to the pile.

He swiveled the chair around and started blow drying my hair with his fingers. No brush. No comb. just fingers.

when he was done he swiveled me back to the mirror.

I looked.

It was gruesome.

THIS is what stared back at me:

I looked like Inigo Montoya. Only my hair, instead of shoulder length or shorter, was JUST UNDER MY EARS!It was halfway between my earlobes and the middle of my neck. It was half straight, half curly from the finger blow-dry. My bangs, did indeed, start from the middle of my head and one half went the right side, the other half humped up and over to the left side. I had a butt cut on the top and a short inigo montoya on the bottom. It was heinous.

I started to cry. I looked around for Charles, only to find him in cameltoes chair. She was giving him the "george clooney caesar" haircut. One problem. He isnt george clooney. Oh yeah and she wasnt even doing it right.

So he gets out of the chair, I out of mine, we pay WITH OUR COUPON.(it was all sweaty and crumpled from being twisted in my fist) We saved a grand total of 2$. So Bo-rics(home of the 7$ haircut) sent out a coupon "Save 2$ on your next haircut. Limit one per household". Yes, I paid FIVE WHOPPING DOLLARS for my haircut.

We run out to the car and I am crying, crying, crying. I am sobbing buckets about my hair.

Charles looks at me and starts laughing. "you look like Inigo Montoya!"

I am crying so hard now I am hiccup breathing and my fat pregnant face is swollen and red.

"Yeah, well you look like a fat non-George Clooney! Charles, why did you let me do this to my hair?"

"well, Sarah, you had a coupon and I couldnt stop you."

We started laughing and then I cried for 2 more days. I had to pin my bangs over to one side with bobby pins for 2 months until they started to grow out.

It was THE WORST HAIRCUT I have ever had.

Moral of the story: Pay more than 5$ for a haircut. If you cant, then find someone who doesnt look like they stepped out of a 1980's primetime drama or someone who doesnt wear so much hairspray you could light them on fire. And just because you HAVE a coupon, that doesnt mean you have to USE it.

Twist of irony here: I go to Empire Beauty School, which is owned by Empire education group.

Can you guess which hair-cutting place is owned by them?? Give you a hint. It is the home of the 7$ haircut.

I DEFINITELY spawned a hairwrecker

Finn decided to cut his hair again.
We have been reading "Junie B Jones is a Beauty Shop Guy". I dont know if that is where he got the idea, or if he really liked the feeling of a shaved head after his first foray into the world of cosmetology.

The other day he was outside playing with the hose. He CLAIMS he was rinsing off his scooter.
(And I am Marilyn Monroe).
So he came inside a while later and I noticed a spot on the top of his head that his hair looked kind of funny. It kind of looked like there were a few spots that had been wet, so maybe those spots were matted down or something. An hour later I noticed it again.

ME: Finn, Come over here.

FINN: What? What is it mom?

ME: Just come here, I need to see something

FINN: Peter did it.

ME: What did Peter do?

FINN: (quietly) Cut my hair.

PETER: LIAR! I didnt do it. You faker!

FINN: Yes you did Peter.

PETER: NO! No i didn't. You're Lying.

ME: Peter did you cut his hair?

PETER: No.

ME: Finn, did Peter cut your hair?

FINN: (silence)

ME: Peter did you HELP finn cut his hair?

PETER: no.

ME: Peter did you know finn was cutting his hair?

PETER: Yes. I watched him do it.

ME: Why didnt you tell him to stop.

PETER: Well he never listens to me anyway.

ME: Finn, did you ask Peter to cut your hair?

FINN: Uh-huh.

ME: Did he help you?

FINN: He watched.

ME: DO i need to put you on my blog again so people can make fun of you?

So now Finn has two strips of his head that are about 1 to 1 1/2 inches long that have no hair.
This time I am NOT messing with it. If he is going to be a Beauty Shop Guy, then he is going to have to live with the consequences.
I REALLY thought that after the first incident of hair cuttery that it would be the end of it.

But like I said 3 months ago, once a hairwrecker, always a hairwrecker.

Do they let hairwreckers into Cosmetology school??

PS: I have decided to go full time. That way I dont have to give up anything, and will be done in a year.

Yearbook Yourself

So I finally did it. I gave in like everyone else. I couldnt stand it.
I went to Yearbookyourself.com and uploaded a truly FANTASTIC picture of myself from Chattanooga.

Here are a few of the notables.

1952. If Eleanor roosevelt and Miss Jane Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies had a secret love child, this would be the result. Actually, I kind of look like my Great GRandmother Ruby.

1964. This was the year my mother graduated from High School. Wow, I look NOTHING like her. Seriously, my mother is very beautiful, so had I gone to school with her I would be the obligatory "Ugly Best Friend". Of course if I were saddled with those glasses I would be scowling too...

1976. Bicentennial. My Birth Year. Sadly, I had this haircut in 1981. I kind of look like my older brothers homecoming date, suzy, from 1980


1980. I am a cross between KITTY, from That 70s Show, and my moms best friend Donna.
Believe it or not, i have woken up with this hair a few times...


1994. My graduation year. Now, this one is NOT funny, as this is MY graduation photo. (not really, but pretty close). I really dont remember making my hair THAT big...god bless all us "old girls" from 1994.

It is definitely a cute site, and fun to see what you would look like through the decades. They have 1950 all the way through 2000. You kind of have to tweak them a bit as the face cropping on the site kind of sucks. But it was fun and I got a kick out of it.

Check them out for a good laugh...or if you want to feel better about yourself.

eight is enough...revisited

Last month Lindsey posted a great tag on her blog. It was called 8 is enough, unless you are talking about cookies. You can find hers here
Since I am feeling a little tired and uninspired this morning, I am stealing that meme for myself and using it.

Eight things I have a passion for: (Like Lindsey I am not doing the obvious, like God, kids, church, friends etc)
1. Reading: I read every day. I am a speed reader, and if given the opportunity can polish off the biggest Harry Potter in less than a day. I read 2 to 3 books a week.
2. Traveling: I have been blessed in my life to have had the opportunity to travel quite a bit as a child, a teenager and an adult. Domestic or International, I LOVE TO TRAVEL. If I know I am going somewhere, I will research WAY ahead of time and have a complete schedule and itinerary in hand, every minute of every day planned out. From Paris France to Paris in the Epcot Center at Disney World I am passionate about seeing new things.
3. Gardening: There is something so thrilling about planting new life in the ground. Tending, watering, composting, weeding. I love watching all my plants grow and thrive. I love learning from my mistakes. I think the most satisfying of all is eating the fruits of my labors and knowing there are no chemicals, there are no waxes or sprays. And there is nothing better than the smell of a tomato plant in good soil. The earthy smell of the good soil mixed with the spicy smell of the tomato leaves. One of my favorite things.
4. The Beach. If I could live on the beach or near a beach for the rest of my life I would die a happy woman. East Coast, West Coast, Polynesia...I Love the beach. The sound of the waves, the sun, the sand, the salty sea air, the smell of the ocean. I could go to the beach every single day and be completely content.
5. Blogging: My new years resolution was to start journaling. I had journals as a child(and now looking back through them I want to rip my eyeballs out when I read it. I was so stupid) and had a journal or two as an adult. But I REALLY wanted to get into journaling and scrapbooking etc. SO I started Blogging and found that I can keep a record of my daily things, pictures, ideas and ideas. It is a perfect way for me to record my life for my posterity. I have found new friends through blogging and it has helped me come out of my shell a bit. Plus having it online and public keeps me from writing anything I will regret.(except that one post about my ex sister in law called "Whore"...dont go looking for it. I erased it. Although the sentiments havent changed much)
6. Music: I am a piano player. I love good classical music. Beethoven gives me chills. Mozart makes me happy. music of the 80's can dramatically improve my mood. If I put on a playlist I can get the house cleaned in an hour because I am just so into the music and moving and shakin my groove thang. I love going to concerts, I love a good bass(giddyap a giddyap a uhm papa mao mao) . I could have Josh Groban singing to me all night long(as long as I am not looking at him) Lindsey wrote Good Percussion and I am lumping this into music. A good drumline and good percussion is definately something that makes me excited and happy.(and yes that drummer at mcDoogals in B.C. was definately good percussion worthy) I adore Broadway Musicals and musical Theater and I listen to the soundtracks and sing at the top of my lungs. My dream?? To be Reno Sweeny in "Anything Goes".
7. TV and Movies: I watch a lot of TV after my kids go to bed and dinner dishes are done. i DVR everything and then skip through the commercials etc. I still watch the Nanny reruns on Lifetime. I love movies as well. Not going to the theater and paying a zillion dollars a ticket(unless it is something like STar Wars, Lord of the Rings, X-Men or some big epic movie that REALLY needs to be seen on the Big screen), but renting movies and being able to just forget about the real world for an hour and a half.
8. Comedy. (stealing this word for word from Lindsey)"Laughing really hard is a requirement for a fulfilling day. I don't understand how people with no sense of humor can be happy, and I hate it when someone takes themselves too seriously." I couldnt have said it better myself Lindsey. There are certain people I love to hang out with because I always know I will have a good laugh, or snot milk through my nose or laugh so hard I went myself.

Eight things I want to do before I die:
1. Get back down to a size 10. I am so tired of struggling with my weight.
2. See Machu Pichu and the Great Wall of China
3. Go back to school and get a Nursing Degree
4. Publish a book that would make me rich and famous!(or at least pay the bills)
5. Find a way to get my children to love each other and always get along with no fighting
6. Be on Jeopardy..better yet be a returning champion on Jeopardy.
7. Be on Oprah's Favorite Things Episode(either as a recipient, or she chose my lip balm to give out making me instantly rich and famous in the Lip Balm World)
8. Get a Boob Lift. 3 kids has not been kind. I want to be able to shop at Victorias Secret again.

Eight things I say a lot:
1. WHat is wrong with you kids!!
2. gimme kisses
3. You KNOW what we have for snack, now tell me what you want!
4. Charles, time for Jeopardy!
5. It aint happenin tonight
6. I have a headache
7. Te amo (Peter and I have this whole ritual of saying stuff in Portugese before he goes to bed)
8. Oh He** no. (I have never been able to break myself of that one)

Eight books I've read (instead of recently, we'll say more than 8 times)
1. Morning Glory, Lavyrle Spencer
2. Autobiography of Henry VIII by Margaret Georgo
3. Anne Of Green Gables Series by L.M. Montgomery
4. A Woman of Substance by Barbara Taylor Bradford
5. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
6. Twilight series by Stephenie Meyers.(Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. the 4th is coming out August 2nd!!)
7. All of the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling
8. The Weaver Takes a Wife by Sherri Cobb South

8 Movies I have seen at least 8 times:
1.Strictly Ballroom
2. Amadeus
3. Napoleon Dynamite
4. Princess Bride
5. Pride and Prejudice(A&E Miniseries with Colin Firth)
6. The Scarlet Pimpernell(with Anthony Andrews and Jane Seymore)
7. Star Wars(All)
8. Dodgeball: A true underdog story

I am not going to tag anyone, so if you want to do it, you go ahead. I know it is hard coming up with stuff to blog about. Thats why I love these tags is they are an easy out on a day where your brain doesnt want to cooperate!!

The beach, a memory and a little red bikini

Next week I am off with the boys to the Beach for the McBride Family Reunion.
The Theme of the event is "Water you doing in Virginia?"
(we are going to a beach in Virginia for the reunion and it is a water theme reunion)
Well each family is supposed to prepare some sort of water talent, i.e.: water balloon juggling, lip synching Splish Splash or something like that.
My mother in law wrote a group e-mail that stated, "Papa Jon can eat an entire watermelon by himself...and I can cut it for him" We all got a good chuckle, then realized she was perfectly serious.
So it got me to thinking what I could do as a talent in front of 40 people that wouldnt completely humiliate me. I cant juggle unless I want a concussion,(though thanks Lindsey for trying to teach me) I dont lip synch or do dance routines and throwing water balloons at people is just plain mean unless it is a water balloon fight.
So I thought long and hard and kept going back to my Mother in Law's email about the watermelon.
I decided to make everyone a lip balm. It will be watermelon flavored and I am designing a custom label for it. That way they have a nice souvenier for the reunion, yet get some yummy lip balm in the process. I will take a radio or something with me and play wipeout or something as we pass them out. Who knows. So my talent is lip balm and Charles' talent is standing back and letting me do what I want. (Just the way a good marriage should work.)

So The flavor name?? You guessed it! Water(you doing in Virginia)melon

Here is the first draft of the label I made up:(For privacy issues I am blocking out some of the details)

Yes As you can see I really like this picture so I have it in my new summer themed Blog Header as well.

Now to quote Bill Cosby "I told you THAT story to tell you THIS story"

All this getting planning for the beach reminded me of when I was little.

Every year we went to Nags Head for our Summer Vacation. The year this event takes place I was 6 years old. I had a red one piece bathing suit that had a little cluster of yellow flowers near the leg, kind of like a "Speedo" mark, but it was flowers. Anyway there was another little girl on the beach who had a bikini. The green eyed monster in me took control. I wanted a bikini, and I wanted one bad. My mother wouldnt let me get one. So I tried my dad. He wouldnt let me get one. I didnt have enough in dimes, Nickles and pennies in my piggie bank to go to Ben Franklin and get one myself either. So I was stuck for 2 weeks, miserable without a bathing suit like the other little girls on the beach had.

As fate would have it, 3 days later, my parents left me to the charge of my older brothers(ages 12 14 and 16) while they went for a walk down to the pier. They said they would be back in a half hour or so. I siezed my opportunity. My brothers were outside on the beach and left me to my own devices and said "we're out here if you need us... you better not need us". My brothers had a system: One would keep watch while the other two flirted with Edith, the pretty girl on the beach. When they would see mom and dad coming , the oldest would race back to the house like he had been there the entire time. This way they didnt have to watch me, yet made mom and dad think they had been there the entire time watching me like they were instructed.

I didnt mind their absence, in fact I found the solitude perfect for my undertaking. (I guarantee had my brothers actually done their job of watching me this never would have happened) I found a pair of scissors and I CUT my red bathing suit in half. By gosh if they weren't going to buy me a bikini, I would make my own. I would sure show them. In my 6 year old brain it really was a good idea. Now looking back more than 25 years later, I see the flaws in my plan.

The deed was done, my new red bikini pretty as can be. Todd came rushing in and flopped on the couch, turning on the TV, as if he were engrossed in Days of our Lives. I knew it would be only minutes before mom and dad came walking in.

The came back to find my creation lying on the kitchen table. My mother got the tight lipped "Im trying to control my temper" look. My dad shook his head and tried not to laugh. Then they came up with a BRILLIANT plan. Instead of getting mad, my dad said "Come on, lets get your new bikini on and head out to the beach!"

I thought I had gotten away with it. I was actually giddy. I had vandalized my clothing and gotten away with it.

So I put on my newly designed Red Bikini with the little yellow flowers on the thigh and grabbed the raft and walked out to the beach with my dad. I was so proud of my ingenuity and skills as a fashion designer.

I took my raft and ran out into the ocean only to be bombarded with a huge wave that knocked me to my knees...and pulled the bottoms OFF my bottom. SO I pulled them back up and they immediately fell down again. I tried rolling the waistband, which helped a little, but with every wave the bottoms would fall off. Eventually even rolling the wasitband wasn't enough and my bikini bottom was sagging around my rear and I was showing all of my tush to the entire beach.

I ran back to the house and told my mom I needed to go buy a new bathing suit. She said No. That was a brand new bathing suit she had bought from JC Penny's and I ruined it on purpose. So I was stuck with it. i had to wear that homemade bikini the rest of the vacation.

Eventually I got some safety pins and was able to secure the waistband tight enough around my bottom and waist to keep it up...although I looked quite silly with a bathing suit full of rusted out metal. The salt water and sea breeze had caused the pins to corrode, leaving my little red bikini with brown stains where it was pinned.

Having a two piece wasnt as fun as I thought it would be. I learned my lesson and I learned it well.

So thank you mom and dad for making me wear my Sarah Original bikini and not buying me a new one. It was a unique punishment and I never tried to customize my clothing again after that day.

Oh Poop

I had a previous post about why I will never win a mother of the year award (something about a photoshoppd picture and telling my 4 year old we already went to disney world)
Now let me tell you why i SHOULD win one.

Poop.

One tiny word. One human by-product than can either make you or break you.

Saturday night 3am: "help. dad. help.dad. help. dad.daaaaad. heeeelllllppp!"
Charles gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom to find Finn COVERED in poop. And not a nice logger poop, but kind of that mushy soft sticky poop that gets everywhere. You could have patched a roof with it.
"Oh Crap" (literally) says hubby as he lifts finn into the shower. still mostly clothed.

I struggle to get my rear in gear and head into the bathroom and this is what I find.

1. Finn in a nightshirt and socks only, with poop all on his rear and legs, smeared on his socks and all over his nightshirt. I find toilet paper sticking to the poop and it is all over his hands and fingers. He is standing in the bathtub wondering what to do next, crying. He is almost 5 years old and has never had a poop accident. He has been potty trained for 2 1/2 years and never had a problem. He was just so embarassed. Apparently he was asleep and dreaming and pooped in his sleep. But he woke up, made it to the bathroom and tried to clean it up himself as best he could. i am really thankful that he had the presence of mind to call us in before things got much worse.

2. I find his soiled underwear on the tile floor, poop down(is poopy underwear like buttered bread?) I pick up the underwear and leave a glob of poo on the floor. It is in the grout, on the rug, smeared on the toilet seat and wall, just everything is covered in poop.

3.Charles, green around the gills, holding it in before he gags. On a related side note, charles and I have an unspoken agreement. He gets barf, I get poop. He handles barf WAY better than poop, whereas I handle poop so much better than barf. It is a nice arrangement. Except at 315 am when i am tired and grouchy.

So Charles goes off to make sure there is no poop footprints or anyhting on the bed sheets etc. He brings me up the all purpose cleaner and disinfectant. I clean up the surroundings as best I can, wipe it down and spray my tea tree oil mixture to kill the germs.
I undress finn, getting more poop on him in process. I threw away his underwear as I refuse to wash any kind of stuff like that. I would rather buy a new pack of underwear than deal with cleaning his old ones out.

Charles takes out the trash to the outside bin as I give Finn a shower and get all the poop cleaned off. I got it out from under his fingernails and bellybutton. I got it off his legs, thighs, feet, ankles, tushie etc. Thank goodness for a hand held showerhead! I put him at the back of the tub, bent him over and let the showerhead and its various settings do all the work. Surprisingly it was a lot harder than I thought. That stuff was stubborn and sticky! But I finally got it off, pulled him out and dried him off, and sent him back to bed. It was 335.
I did a quick rinse of the tub and sprayed it down with cleaner and disinfectant. I got back to bed at 345.
I was awake pretty much the rest of the morning.
So in honor of Poop, here is one of the funniest moments in Scrubs history: Everything Comes Down to Poo


So I may torture my kids with fake vacations, but I also get up in the middle of the night and clean up poop.

1 point going to hell
3 points good mom!

Old Main Hill Sledding

During the winter months, Northern Utah gets quite dumped on with snow. The skiing is fabu, there is sledding, there is snowboarding and tubing...there are also bored Utah state college students with a hill and a matress.

One such winter of 1994 a group of roommates and friends from Valley View and Mountain View Dorms decided to take a little study break and head on over to Old Main Hill on campus. Old Main Hill is the main hill where the "Old Main" building is. The picture looks pretty tame, but in actuality it is a rather broad, sloping hill that steepens and is ended by a concrete wall that drops down a few feet to the sidewalk and onto the road. When I went to school there, they used to put hay bales in front of the wall to soften the blow and to keep people from hurting themselves. This particular night the hay bales were covered in snow and made almost a little ramp over the concrete wall. Plus they were frozen, so they were just as rock hard as the concrete wall themselves.

We headed out with little plastic roll up sleds from Smiths and cardboard boxes that we salvaged from the recycling room. We trudged over to Old Main to discover we were not the only ones with the ideas to go sledding. There had been so much snow, we actually had classes cancelled. Out in Utah there has to be practically apocalyptic proportions of snow for people to even blink. I will tell you after this one particular snowfall I needed thigh high boots.

So we are sledding and having a great time, pretty tame. the snow had been packed down, the sledding was fun. Then the mattress kings showed up. This was a group of young men who lived off campus who had this old ratty full sized mattress that they brought out for special sledding occasions. They stood at the top declaring themselves King of the hill and 4 of them jumped on the bed and sped down Old Main Hill and bringing themselves to a halt right before hitting the wall at the bottom. They dragged their "sled" back up and asked if anyone wanted to go for a ride. I think it was My roommate,"Zab" and I who decided to have a go at it. (Zab was short for Elizabeth. When we first met she said "my name is elizabeth. Dont call me Liz, dont call me beth" so I said "can I call you zab?" It stuck. Anyhoo....) Like I said I THINK it was Zab, it may have been Diane or Amy. i honestly cant remember. So for all intents and purposes of this story, I shall keep the character Zab.

She and I piled on with the 3 mattress kings and another person. We were given a shove to get started.
The mattress slowly started to creep down the hill,then hit it's stride about 1/3 of the way down. Since there were 6 of us on the mattress, we were weighed down pretty heavy and this sled was using our weight as some sort of momentum. We were going faster and faster and faster, and I could see the brick wall was getting closer and closer. The kings were trying to stick their heels into the ground to get the juggernaut slowed down, but the hill just mocked our despair and urged our out of control vehicle to go even faster. Mattress King #1 started yelling "Oh no! Oh no! Oh No!" As his oh-nos got more and more frantic, his voice got higher and higher pitched and his words faster and faster, almost like our matress hurtling down the hill to our inevitable spleen ruptures and concussions.
Mattress King #2 started throwing out cuss words as he continued to try and dig the heel of his cowboy boot into the iced down path that we were taking. (i swear by the end of that trip the heel of his cowboy boot had been filed down into some sort of deformed shape)
Mattress King #3 just sat there, paralyzed with fear and shock. He was gibbering some sort of last words, praying in tongues or possibly his life was flashing before his eyes. He was pretty useless, crying for his mommy and apologizing for all his wrong-doings, bargaining with God to spare his life.
Finally Zab in her wisdom starts yelling "Bail! Bail! Bail" She is smacking everyone, starling them out of their last moments here on earth. "Bail! Bail! Bail!"

The other guest on our trip closed his eyes and fell over sideways, falling off the mattress like a water skiier hitting the water at 90 miles an hour, skittering over the surface to come to his final resting place. Zab pushed The paralyzed matress king off his perch, and he too went flying off bouncing off the ice as we continued to hurtle down the hill at breakneck speed.. She and I each grabbed a remaining matress king by the arms, threw them off and then rolled off, sliding, rolling, bumping down the rest of the hill.(Kind of like Wesley in The Princess Bride..."Aaaaaaassssssss yoooooouuuuuu wiiiiiiissssshhhhh!" )

I got kicked in the head and elbowed in the eye and hit my jaw on the packed snow and ice. We came to rest almost nose to nose at the wall of frozen hay bales. We got up, took a head count and realized we were all still alive, all accounted for with only a few scrapes and bruises. As we shook ourselves off and helped the three fallen kings, we realized the matress was nowhere in sight. It had hit the wall, flipped upright and dumped itself on the street below.
People were cheering and "I'm next!" and "That was awesome!"

The entire length of the ride: 12 seconds. It seemed like forever.

We helped the kings retrieve the matress and carry it back up Old Main on our shoulders, like warriors returning to the village with our spoils over our heads.

Mattress Kings regained their composure at the top of the hill and the rest of the night limited the number of people on the matress to 4 at a time. I cant tell you how many times I went Matress sledding that night, but every time I go sledding now(you know in the south where we just get a ton of snow) I think of the mattress kings and I can hear zab screaming in my ear "Bail! Bail! Bail!"

This picture was from the Utah statesman . Sledding down the Old main Hill has been a tradition since the University opened in 1888. I miss it sometimes.

Come get me out of this dress!

A few days ago my BF Lindsey wrote a hilarious Blog entry about the time we went on a post graduation cruise. Before we went our separate ways for college, we decided to have one last Sarah and Lindsey hurrah and go on a Caribbean Cruise to St Maartens, St John and St Thomas.

It was 1994 and we were 18 years old. We had smoking hot bodies and low self esteem.(a great combination dont you think?)

Anyway we knew that there were going to be 2 formal dinners, and several other events and fun things aboard the ship. So like two hot blooded teenage girls we set out on a shopping expedition of epic proportions. We bought Bikinis(which never made it to the cruise. They were strictly for pre cruise tanning on the top of Lindseys Roof. A bottle of Qwik Tan MAY have been involved. Dont ask)

We shopped for shorts, shirts, bathing suits, formal wear, sundresses etc.

One day we went to Marshalls. We were feeling good. We found 2 red brocade dresses, 2 black spandex hooker style slip dresses(which, looking back, mysteriously disappeared after my mom went through my closet "looking for old clothes to donate) and a few other goodies for the final touches to our Last Hurrah Cruise.

Well this particular day in Marshalls I found a cute sundress I really liked. It was a white with Pink and green and blue florals. It had kind of a flouncy skirt and a narrowed waist with a real June Cleaver sleeveless bodice with a shallow scoop neck.. It was just so cute and bright and cheery, and it was in my size. i took it to the dressing room to try on.. I unzipped the back, slid it on and had Lindsey zip up the back. It was really cute, but I have a very long torso so the skirt kind of ended ABOVE my waist, which was a real shame. So Lindsey unzipped and went back to her dressing room and I started to take the dress off. I started lifting from the bottom hem and pulled the skirt up over my head. The bodice started to follow, but was quickly caught on something...my chest(which over that summer decided to show itself a little more prominently). I tugged again. Nothing. It wouldnt budge. I tugged ever harder and the bodice kind of flew up and stuck, right up over my chest and around my shoulders, pinning my arms into the air.

"LINDSEY!" I whispered as loudly as I could without the entire store listening in. "Lindsey, I'm stuck!"

"Whhaaaat? She asked, confused as to how I could get stuck in a dress. "what do you mean you're stuck? The zipper is stuck?"

"NO. I am stuck. Me. Stuck. Inside this dress and I cant move my arms. COme here and help!"

She finished changing and hustled over to my dressing cubicle. She took one look at me and lost it. She was convusling against the wall, laughing so hard she was crying. Every time she would try and talk her voice would get about 14 octaves higher(dog whistle register here) and she would just crack up again and again. She could only get about 3 words out at a time she was laughing so hard. And not giggles either. Loud everyone can hear us from 3 miles away kind of laughter. I was standing there, in this dress my arms above my head, stuck by this STUPID DRESS (I hated the dress by this point.). My hair had gotten a little caught on the zipper so it was sticking out the top like a flaming fountain.

I couldnt get my arms up or down to try again. I couldnt move. I had visions of having to call security and having people cut me out of this dress. Finally Lindsey sprang to action. I concaved my chest and hunched my back as best I could and she yanked. The dress came whooshing off and I was free. I was like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon.By the time the whole thing was over we were laughing so hard. We had tears streaming down our faces, I was standing there with my legs crossed so I wouldn't pee myself, and we had salesladies popping in and out asking "Are you girls alright in here??"

Now as some of you know Lindsey is a very talented artist. One thing she is REALLY good at is Charicatures and cartoons. In fact we have a whole notebook full of funny drawings from all our expolits, lists of inside jokes(257 to be exact) and funny poems and stories we have written.

I happen to be the keeper of the notebook right now, so i DO happen to have a cartoon of this funny event.

This Artist Rendition of events is copyright Lindsey Aramburu 1996 from the 2nd journal of Lindsey and Sarah. Please to enjoy.

I miss you Lindsey, cant wait to fly out to Spokane and see you nad the trip to Vegas in Feb!!

May we be able to add many more drawings to the Journal!

50 odd things

I received this email from both Dawn and Lindsey.
I have nothing etsy to blog about today. My kids have been not feeling well, so I really have nothing tinteresting to write about. This seems a perfect opportunity to bring in the wuss out post:

50 ODD Things about you! Learn 50things about your friend, and let them learn 50 things about you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not especially. Even after living in France I STILL couldnt stomach it.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Do you think I am a complete idiot? NO!

3. Do you own a gun? Does a super soaker count?

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I dont eat at Sonic. If I do, I get a milkshake. Usually one involving chocolate of some sort.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? A little. Usually because I know they are going to weigh me and the doctor is going to jump on my back about complications from being overweight, especially with my family history blah blah blah. Dont really look forward to that.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Chiciago style, fully loaded. But they have to be REAL Chicago Dogs, not some cheap Mall imitation.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Bishops Wife with Cary Grant and Loretta Young. Although I do LOVE the kids Rankin/Bass movies like Rudolph, frosty, santa claus is comig to town etc. Oh and the Charlie Brown Christmas is a tradition. This is a hard question.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Juice of some srt. Usually I juice oranges, grapefruit and strawberries. YUM.

9. Can you do push ups? I used to. I have poor upper body strength. I always have. I have never been very good at push ups to be quite honest.

10. Age? 31. Although I usually tell people I am 29. Not to hide how old I am, usually I just forget my real age.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My 3 stone past present and future ring. White gold with 3 round cut diamonds on a filigree band. It is gorgeous. I love it. Even more than my wedding ring.

12. Favorite hobby? Crafting of some sort. Scrapbooking, soaping, making body products, crochet, beading. Anything involving trips to hobby lobby or Michaels.

13. Favorite Actor? Christian Bale...established in 1992.

14. Do you have A D D? Nope.

15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Hot tempered with a very short fuse. Guess it is the redhead in me.

16. Middle name? Lynn

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment

• I cant wait for spring break to be over. My kids are driving me nuts
• I need to work out in the garden while the weather is nice today
• what am I going to make for dinner tonight?

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday/today.

• Tomato Plants
• Jalapeno Plants
• Zucchini Plants

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?

• Water
• Orange Tang
• Hot Chocolate

20. Current worry? Paying the bills, having enough money...you know, usual things.

21. Current hate right now? The construction workers redoing the roads in our subdivision. All day every day. I feel like they arent making any progress and our roads are going to be all broken up and rocky for the rest of forever.

22. Favorite place to be? Nags Head or Disney World.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Well my husband and I have this tradition, and it is none of your business 'cause a lady never tells...

24. Where would you like to go? I have always wanted to go to Madame Tussauds House of Wax. Ever since I was a little girl. We finally went to London when I was 14 and my dad said we could go. We saved it for the last day. When we got there the line was wrapped around the building twice. So we weren't able to do it. So that is still #1 on my list.

25. Name three people who will complete this? Probably none. I am doing this on my blog instead of sending it out as an email anyways.

26. Do you own slippers? Nope.

27. What shirt are you wearing? A Sage Green V-neck cotton Tee shirt.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No, they conduct static electricity like you would not believe.

.
29. Can you whistle? Well I can, but I used to be able to whistle a lot better when I was a kid and had bad teeth. Lindsey, yes there are people who cant whistle. Like my mom.

30. Favorite color? Pink

31. Would you be a pirate? YES! Although I am not sure it would be as cool and sexy as Johnny Depp makes Piracy look.BUT, All that booty and jewels and Gold. I would be right at home.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I usually dont sing in the shower. If I do, it is usually some stupid song that I heard that I cant get out of my head.

33. Favorite girl's name? Jillian Sarah.

34. Favorite boy's name? Peter Wallace or Charles Finn.

35.What's in your pocket right now? Don't have pockets

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Adam Corolla on Dancing with the Stars.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? Holly Hobby

38. Worst injury you've ever had? Broke my toe on a side table when it jumped out and bit me.

39. Do you love where you live? LOVE IT! I love the mild winters, the early springs, the hot summers and the beautiful fall. I love being halfway between the mountains and the beach. I love being southern. I love Charlotte.

40. How many TV's do you have in your home? 2

41. Who is your loudest friend? hmmm, I have so many loud friends. It is a toss up between lindsey, Kelly and Dawn.

42. How many dogs do you have? 1. A pit bull boxer mix named Jake. he's so sweet.

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Yep. My hubby. We have been together for 11 years and we are still in love.

44. What is your favorite book(s)? Morning Glory(LaVyrle Spencer), Harry Potter Series, Anne of Green Gables Series, Autobiography of King Henry VIII(Margaret George), Work and the Glory Series(Gerald Lund), Little House on the Prairie series, anything by laurie Notaro, anything by Barbara Kingsolver, Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, Wayfarer redemption series(Sara Douglass). I read a lot. I Love to read and have many favorites.

45. Where were you born? Cleveland, Ohio

46. What is your favorite candy? Skittles

47. Favorite Sports Team? Carolina Panthers

48. What song would you want played at your funeral?Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead. Just kidding. Probably Beethoven.

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? sleeping

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Darn kids, why are they so freaking loud in the morning??

Can i speak to Mrs McBridge?

My name is Sarah McBride. MICK-BRIDE.
How hard is that? Honestly?

Growing up my name was Sarah Koch. (any takers on the pronounciation of that??)
It was pronounced "Cook".

Growing up I heard Sarah Kotch, Sarah Couch, Sarah Cock, Sarah Coke, and a few other ones that some nasty boy in my neighborhood called me.

I went to College at Utah State University. I went to a church ward there and the ward clerk couldnt read his own handwriting when I said my name and spelled it for him. On the church roster I was immortalized as Satach Coch. SERIOUSLY??
To this day 14 years later my roommate and dear friend STILL calls me Satach.

How hard is it? S-A-R-A-H space K-O-C-H. try spelling your last name for any reservation agent and it takes ages.for example. Booking a flight from Salt Lake City to Chicago O Hare:

agent: Last name?
me: Koch. K-O-C-H.
agant : C-o-c-h.
me. No. K-O-C-H
agent: sorry K-o-c-k
me: NO! Koch. It is spelled K-O-C-H.
agent: Cooh?
me. K as in kangaroo, O as in octopus, C as in cookie H as in Harry. KOCH
agent: koch
me. yes.
agent: ok miss kotch...

But when my tickets arrived it was spelled Coch.Had to get them changed.

We would get phone calls from telemarketers looking for the Couches, the cocks, the Cooches, the Kotches. One day one man called and asked to speak to Mrs. Knock.
I said " I am sorry, there is no onw here by that name" and hung up.

A few years later I met my husband, with a nice easy last name. McBride. I though "woo hoo! an end to the misery and constant name correction."
WRONG.

Not long after I was married The phone rang.

me: Hello?
other person: Can I speak to Mrs McBridge?

I have heard Mc bird, Mc bridge, and my fave Mrs Mac Birdie.

oh well. I guess it never ends, no matter HOW easy your last name.

Where has my sweet Finny gone??

This is Finn. He is almost 5 years old.

He is a Pill. You know, being 5 is a hard thing. The world demands so much from these little guys. (SARCASM)

Shoot being 5 is hard for ME...I have to put up with it and try to not completely lose my mind in the process. August can't come too soon. Then he starts school.

We were at a family picnic, having fun, having a cook out. The kids had an easter egg hunt, smores, a playground. The sky was beautiful., the weather was perfect.

Finn was in rare form.

1. It was too hot

2. He didnt want a hot dog, he wanted McDonalds. Then he decided to have a hot dog...only to discover he would rather have a cheeseburger(FROM MCDONALDS)

3. He didnt like THAT playground, he wanted the playgrounds at the park near our house.

4. He didnt want to go for a nature walk, he wanted to play on the playground(the very same playground he DIDNT want to play on only an hour before)

5. The Easter egg hunt wasnt fair, he only found 10 eggs(the same as all of his other cousins). He wanted more than everyone else.

6. He didnt want water, he wanted a juicebox. Juicebox was not to his liking. He wanted apple juice, not fruit punch. Bottled water was not cold enough. He wanted it straight from the fridge, not the cooler.

7. he wanted to go home

8. He didnt want to go home

9. He cried all the way home because he was having so much fun and it just wasnt fair.

10. He cried at home because he wanted eggs with jellybeans in them and instead got eggs with chocolate.

11. Was tired and wanted to go to bed.

12. Cried because he WASN'T tired and DIDNT want to go to bed.

13. Got out of bed 3 times. Once to tell me I was a mean mom and that I didnt love him because I was making him go to bed. The second to get a drink of water because he was thirsty and to remind me how mean I am because I wouldnt let him have Kool-Aid for a bedtime thirst quencher and the third time to go to the bathroom and to tell me to leave him alone he needed privacy.

14. FINALLY went to sleep.

That was just on Sunday. Lord, grant me patience.

By any other name...

I got this as a "send to all your friends" email. I love these. So here is my list of various names.
My Real name is Sarah McBride (for this little exercise I had to get creative with the spelling of my last name and change it to MAC-Bride.

1.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (1st 3 or 4 letters of real name + izzle) Sarizzle

2. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)S-Mac

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Giraffe

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name/maiden name, city where you were born)Lynn Cleveland

5. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Jasmine Skittles

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first 1st 3 letters of mothers maiden name)Mac-sa-wal

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)The Turquoise Limonada

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)J.C. Floyd

9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )Faye Nelson

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 6th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)Fritch Fresno

11. SPY NAME/BOND GIRL: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)Autumn Stargazer

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)Watermelon Jeansie

13. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Pineapple Tulip Tree

14. YOUR DIRKA DIRKA STANI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name) Ablalpe (wow that was a hard one to get through)

15. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets)Black CLifford

16. YOUR PORNSTAR NAME: (First Pet's name,First street you lived on)KatieWayburn

17.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Katie Galant

18. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)The Soaping Wind Tour

Have a great day, all!

Love,

Fritch Fresno

List of the Day used my clip!

One of my favorite blogs that I read is List of the Day. Every day he posts funny stories, pictures, ad's, mugshots, videos and more.
He asks people to send in funny pictures or videos or clips etc, then if he uses them he gives you credit for them.

I sent him a funny video of Spongebob voice actors doing some famous movie clips.
He used it!
You can see it here.

YAY!

thanks LOTD! You made MY day!

YEah Toast

This was Heywood Banks on the Bob and Tom show.

I LOVE this song.

My kids think it is hilarious.

a perfect funny clip for Sunday morning.

please to enjoy.

The Man Song

Every now and then I have to break out this bad boy and play it loud ebough for Charles to hear...just enough to bring home the point. Make him really think long and hard about his place on the totem pole in this relationship. This is Rodney Carrington on the Bob and Tom Show.


He's the man
He's the man

I dont take no crap from anybody...else but you
I wear the pants around here...when I finish with your laundry
Cuz I;m a guy you dont want to fight, when I say Jump you say ...yeah right
I'm the man of the house...until you get home.

he's the man he's the man

What I say goes around here...right out the window
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining...so I'll shut up
The sooner you learn who's boss around here...the sooner you can give me my orders dear
Cuz I'm head honcho around here...but it's all in my head.

he's the man he's the man

And I can have sex anytime...that you want it
Cuz I'm a man who has needs...but they're not that important
And dont expect any flowers from me...cuz if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry
I'm the King of my castle...when you're not around

hes the man he's the man

And i'll drink and watch sports whenever wanna...get in trouble
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready...to sleep on the couch
Cuz a Mans gotta do what a man's gotta do...and I'm gonna do what you tell me to
Because I'm top dog around here...but I've been neutered.

He's the man he's the man

This is one of my favorite E-mails. I wish I could say it isn't true, but the fact of the matter is I use 1,2,3,5,6 and 9 on a daily basis. At first I was indignant, but the further down I read, the more I knew I was guilty.


1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. FIVE MINUTES : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (see #1)

4. GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

6. THATS OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. WHATEVER Is a women's way of saying SHUT UP!

9. DONT WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong"(see #3 for the answer)


Men, you totally understand this e-mail.
women, you will act all huffy and mad, then laugh because you will realize you, too, are a "words women use" sinner.