Friday, October 30, 2009

Burning the candle at Both Ends

There are just some weeks that I feel SOOOOO worn out and defeated.
I feel like my calander has SOMETHING on it every day, apart from school or clients.
It is finally calming down. I need to learn to schedule things better and not try and take on too much.
I dont know why I feel the need to over-extend myself.  i CAN say no, but I dont.

At school our class is coming up with fundraisers. Well next week we are doing Funnel cake Monday. I came up with the idea and pitched it to a few others and they all said "yum", so we will be making and selling funnel cakes to the students and clients, and all the proceeds will benefit the Local Battered Womens shelter.  There are like 16 of us in the class...but do I delegate? No. I do not.  I take it all on myself, so I know it gets done the way I feel it should be done.  I have only delegated responsibilities to 2 other girls, who I trust implicitly, as I feel their standards are up to mine. I feel that if you are going to do it, then it should be done right and if I trust others it wont be done right.  Isnt that awful? I just dont trust anyone with this stuff.
Why do I insist on doing this and not ask for help when I really need it? Pride, perhaps. I guess when it turns out a success I want to be able to take a lot of the credit...which is selfish and horrible. (but then again, I AM a Cancer, which  makes me endearingly eccentric, yet insecure about how others perceive me. I want them to perceive me as being an organized person, who knows how to put together a hell of a fundraiser and can make a mean funnel cake) . I HATE delegating out to others, but I love helping people out, so they dont have to take so much on themselves. I know, I know a huge contradiction...but again, I am a cancer.

So how can I stop over extending myself? Am I able to say no? Probably not. I dont want people to think I cant handle everything that has come my way.  I had a daughter that passed away. I have spent months and months and months in hospitals with Peter. He had a heart transplant and has required so much care. I am in school full time, and a mom full time. For the past 12 years my life has been inside out, upside down and all ways, shapes and colors. Surely I can handle a dozen cupcakes for a bake sale. Surely I can squeeze in one more client for some extra pocket cash. If I can handle all the other crap(errr, blessings? lessons?) that has happened, then I certainly should be able to take Peter to get new braces for his feet, get to the grocery store before we use up the last 1/8" of milk in the carton. I certainly should be able to read my scriptures every day and read 30 minutes with my kids every night. I certainly should get them to the dentist, and fulfill my church callings and exercise.  I can make lip balms, homemade salsa, jewelry, scrapbook, make my own christmas cards...right???
But please ignore the pile of neglected laundry...or the kitchen sink full of dishes...or the rug under the kitchen table in sore need of vacuuming.

I guess I need to figure out what is the most important and quit worrying about what other people think. Maybe I have to let other people do a little extra work every now and then. Sometimes I just have to say no.
But can I??

No.
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