Today marks the 1 year anniversary of Peters death. I've struggled this week. It seems the closer to October 1st it got, the more emotional I was. Every little thing set me off. TV shows, songs, commercials. Anything. This morning it was hard to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay with the sheets over my head and eat a gallon of ice cream and cry.
Hard to believe this sweet boy has been gone for a year.
1 year ago I woke up to what was the worst day of my life, and one of my absolute worst nightmares. I guess he had done so well for so long, I thought it would just continue on forever like that. We knew we heeded another heart, but never in my wildest dreams did I think we would wake up to find him gone. I thought I had more time. We always think we have more time.
I miss his quirky half smile, his odd sense of humor, his random Dr Who or Flash quotes. This kid could watch a movie once and recite lines back to you. He was obsessed with Avengers and Marvel and DC and Dr Who. He loved to listen to music. He seemed to get along better with adults than he did with kids his own age. He was always an old soul, even when he was little. He loved talking to people and joking around . He loved his brother (he wouldnt admit it out loud to us, but he would tell other people).
He loved food more than anything. This kid had champagne tastes from day 1. I could put anything in front of him and he would eat it and then say "mmm, you can make that again". One time we were out to eat, he was probably 7 or 8. We were at a steak restaurant and the waiter told us the specials, one of which was a cedar plank grilled salmon fillet with blah blah blah. Finn got Mac and Cheese and Charles and I both got steak and when we got to Peter, instead of ordering off the kids menu like he had been instructed he casually said "uhhh, I will have the salmon please". (for 24.95!!!!). I said NO YOU WONT!! He would not be moved. So guess who had salmon that night? He was always one to add onions to everything. He loved banana peppers and jalapenos, and salsa and spicy food. He could eat sushi like there was no tomorrow. This kid packed it away and when he would get full he would burp and say "oh I just reset my stomach" and continue to eat more. He had a hollow leg that he put everything away in because there was not an ounce of fat on that body anywhere. He could tear up a cheesesteak from Penn Station! And dont put ice in his drink, he hated it. He never drank pop, only lemonade and fruit punch and water (no ice!).
I spent 19 years taking care of him, keeping him alive, dr appointments, surgeries, medications, disability hearings and claims and all the other stuff. When he died that was all taken away and I had almost an identity crisis. I had been a caretaker for so long that it was foreign to me that it was no longer an option.
It has been weird not having him around to constantly argue with Finn.
I was going through a scrapbook my friend made, and there were all these notecards that people had written their memories of Peter on, and to see just how loved he was really touched my heart. His kindness, his wise beyond years attitude and actions. He truly touched everyone around him that he ever met. There was something excessively special about Peter and I am just so grateful that I got to be his mom and be part of his lasting legacy.
I miss him more than words can say, it is a gaping hole left by his departure.
I am sure that as I write a memoriam next October 1 that it will perhaps have gotten a little easier. I doubt it, but one can hope, right?
I miss you Peter more than I can ever say. I love you beyond compare and know that one day we shall meet again. ♥
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