today is the first day of the rest of forever...

So I am striving to be a better person. 
I want to be healthier, happier, more spiritually minded.

I feel like over the past few months I have really started losing focus on what is truly important.
I work all day, come home at night and go to bed. The next morning I start all over again.
I feel like I have extra time in my day that i COULD take to do important things.  But I dont,.
I admit, I am selfish and lazy when it comes to things like that.

i COULD get up an extra 15 minutes early and read my scriptures.  Sure, I could instead of laying in bed looking at the ceiling and alarm clock. Im usually up 15-20 minutes before the alarm goes off anyways, so why do I have such a hard time getting out of bed and reading something edifying and fulfilling? Why do I feel the need to stay in bed when I am not asleep?? Why CANT I get up and do it. I know I need to.

I COULD work harder with my kids on reading the scriptures and developing their love of God and Christ. I could take some extra time and help them develop that stronger bond. I could take the time and work harder at doing family Home Evening more often. I could take the time and just read with them and snuggle with them and play with them.  But I dont. Im horrible.  They want to go to the park, and I want to lay on the couch after a long day at work.  They want to go outside and ride their bikes and I dont want to be bothered being out there watching them and keeping an eye on them.  they want me to jump on the trampoline with them and I make up excuses as to why I cant.

I COULD eat healthy and cook dinner and do the things that I need to.  But honestly it is easier to go out to eat . I COULD keep the house clean, but I'd rather watch netflix instead of folding laundry, or mopping the floor on my day of.  I'd rather bum off the chores to someone else because I am too tired, or too busy.
 I COULD exercise and take my kids to the YMCA with me in the evenings. They have been bugging me to do it.   They want to go.  They want to go to swim lessons, and play soccer in a league.  and guess who has been too "busy" to sign them up or do it?  Me. 

This morning I had an epiphany. I realized that My kids are almost 11 and 8. I feel like they were just babies not that long ago.  I woke up with a horrible realization that I am MISSING my kids. I am MISSING their milestones and progress. I am mising the times that they want to be with me.  In a few years I am going to be an embarassment, and not someone they want to do things with. They wont want to go to the park, or for a walk, or ride their bikes.  I will have missed it and it is my own fault.
The only thing holding them back IS ME!  I am the failure and at fault. I have really decided to take the time and make the time for them.  I dont want them to grow up and look back and say "My mom was cool and all, but she was always tired and never did anything with us".  I want them to say "wow. My mom worked full time, but we always had dinner and healthy snacks, we always went to the Y, she made sure we had swimming lessons and soccer and other things like that. She spent time with us and helped us with everything. She was awesome".

So today I woke up with a renewed spirit. A vigor and determination I have not felt in quite a long time.
My mom and dad worked full time, but we always had meals on the table, family time, vacations, fun days, they came to my track meets, basketball games and music recitals.  They were always there because they had prioritized and made it important. I can too, and I will.
so today starts the first day of forever.

sometimes it is really hard

The other day I heard someone say
" You will always love your kids. But it is Ok to not like them sometimes"

There are days where I find this excessively true.
I LOVE my children. They are my flesh and blood. I carried them, birthed them, raised them, potty trained them, have sent them off to school and have seen them grow up a mile a minute.
I am constantly amazed by their accomplishments and how quickly they learn.
I am flabbergasted by Peters resilience and dumbfounded by Finns Natural Ham and Class clown abilities.
I am always laughing at things Finn says or does. Despite the fact that I am always getting notes home about him being a social butterfly, he is still a great kid. Actually when I was his age my parents were always getting notes home from the teacher "Sarah needs to concentrate on her own schoolwork instead of being concerned with others around her" or "Sarah needs to stop talking all the time" or "Sarah really needs to stay in her seat and focus on her schoolwork instead of cavorting around like a social butterfly". Honestly Finn and I could have had the exact same teacher. It is practically identical.
I am always proud of Peters improvements in school and never lets his disability get in his way.
I love the fact that peter will try anything once. He eats his fruits and vegetables and LIKES them. I love the fact that he has been working extra hard with his gym teacher working on his endurance and speed and has been doing so well.

But, I wont lie. There are times where I dont really LIKE my children. Days where one innocent bump with a hotwheels into the others transformer suddenly turns into an all out brawl with head butting, kidney punches and hair pulling.
Days where I ask them to do one little thing, like take their lunchbox out of their backpack and put it on the counter, and within moments i am a horrible mother, asking them to donate their left Kidney to needy children.
Days where Finn asks every 27.4 seconds "Mom can I play the Wii?". I say No and it is an all out cry-and-whine fest.
Days where I catch them on the trampoline jumping and crashing against the net on purpose because they are playing spiderman. Now I have a trampoline with a broken net and they cannot jump until I find zip-ties big enough to fix it.
Days where I cook dinner and immediately they say "ewwww I hate that" before even trying it.
Days where we stop by my parents house to drop something off and I tell them ahead of time "We are only here to drop this off. We are not going in, we are not staying" and as soon as they get there they leap out of the car and head into grandmas house. Then when I say "come on time to go" they launch into screaming, agony and endless woe. It is like leading them to the Guillotine.

I was watching Oprah a few years back and it had some stay at home moms on there who really told it like it was. They didnt lie and say ';Ohhhh I love my kids. I just LOOOOVVVEEE being home with them. I adore every precious second" and other platitudes.
Some of them said "Yeah, 10% it is fantastic and I love it. The other 90% sucks." one lady even said "I really hate it sometimes."
Of course she had on the opposing viewpoint who CLAIMED they always loved their kids and being a mom was their greatest joy in life and they never felt anything but absolute adoration and joy with their kids. BLAH BLAH BLAH and total BS.
REALLY?? I find that endlessly hard to believe. In fact I think that is a downright lie. I dont think it is possible to feel endless joy and nothing but wonderful goodness with your kids all the time. I think there must be sour so you can savor the sweet. I think women need to feel like we dont like our kids on occasion so when they do something amazing it is even more wonderful.

So honestly, although i will always love my kids unconditionally, I do not always have to like them.

And I dont even feel bad for saying that.