Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Worst Haircut i Ever Had

Last night at Book Club we were sitting around after the discussions and talking about hair, haircuts, bad hair etc. I told them all my "worst haircut I ever had" story and they all said I needed to blog it. So here goes: (just so you know this happened almost 11 years ago in Kentucky. It is still a little painful to talk about...)

I was almost 8 months pregnant with our daughter Jillian. I had long, curly, luxurious hair that in the middle of a sweltering, humid summer was making me crazy. Our Local Val-pak arrived and in the coupons I found one for Bo-Rics. (Home of the 7 dollar haircut). The thought started swirling in my brain that a haircut was a pretty great idea. After all I would be having a baby and shorter hair WOULD be a good idea. Charles was looking pretty shabby too, so we loaded up and headed to Bo-rics (home of the 7 dollar haircut...dont forget). Plus I had a COUPON! I was saving money! With a baby coming we needed to pinch pennies and tighten our belt. I was hellbent on a haircut and by golly charles was going to take me there to get it.
I had it in my mind what kind of haircut I wanted. SOmething cute and easy, like a bob, that was just a little shorter than my shoulders. I had planned on cutting off about 6 inches. I wanted it a little shorter than this picture, which was from a year previous:(cute huh?)
So we load up, drive to Bo-rics(home of the 7$ haircut) and I grab my coupon.
We walk in and see an empty salon and the two people working that day.

1. A middle aged man with the feathered MacGyver haircut. He was wearing khaki pants and a tan button down shirt. In fact he looked like he was on safari, minus the hat. His shirt was unbuttoned several buttons, showing his manly, hairy chest and a gold chain that I am quite positive was tangled in said manly hair.

2. A fat not-quite middle aged woman with a cameltoe, big frizzy permed hair and garish lipstick.
That should have been my first clue.

So MacGyver takes me back to the shampoo bowl and washes my hair. I told him exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it cut to.
He starts snipping away, and as he is cutting he is trying to even it up and it is getting shorter, and shorter and shorter. He would cut trying to even up the sides and kept making one side shorter than the other and then would go to the side that was longer and try and even THAT one up, finding it now shorter than the other side. When he finally got it right, my wet hair was now BARELY to the middle of my neck. I stared in the mirror, barely able to comprehend what had just happened. I crumpled the coupon in my hand, twisting it nervously, angry with myself for wrecking my hair...AGAIN.
Oh but wait, it gets worse.
So then MacGyver asks "Would you like bangs?"
me: uh, sure, just small so I can curl them down. Not too thick and not too short
MacGyver: Ok, can do!
MacG goes to work...snip, snip,snip.

I kept thinking "when did bangs start in the middle of my head?"

he just kept snipping. and snipping. And snipping. It looked like I had a dog and a litter of puppies on the floor around my chair. Every few minutes I would look down and a new puppy was added to the pile.
He swiveled the chair around and started blow drying my hair with his fingers. No brush. No comb. just fingers.
when he was done he swiveled me back to the mirror.

I looked.
It was gruesome.

THIS is what stared back at me:
I looked like Inigo Montoya. Only my hair, instead of shoulder length or shorter, was JUST UNDER MY EARS!It was halfway between my earlobes and the middle of my neck. It was half straight, half curly from the finger blow-dry. My bangs, did indeed, start from the middle of my head and one half went the right side, the other half humped up and over to the left side. I had a butt cut on the top and a short inigo montoya on the bottom. It was heinous.
I started to cry. I looked around for Charles, only to find him in cameltoes chair. She was giving him the "george clooney caesar" haircut. One problem. He isnt george clooney. Oh yeah and she wasnt even doing it right.
So he gets out of the chair, I out of mine, we pay WITH OUR COUPON.(it was all sweaty and crumpled from being twisted in my fist) We saved a grand total of 2$. So Bo-rics(home of the 7$ haircut) sent out a coupon "Save 2$ on your next haircut. Limit one per household". Yes, I paid FIVE WHOPPING DOLLARS for my haircut.
We run out to the car and I am crying, crying, crying. I am sobbing buckets about my hair.
Charles looks at me and starts laughing. "you look like Inigo Montoya!"
I am crying so hard now I am hiccup breathing and my fat pregnant face is swollen and red.
"Yeah, well you look like a fat non-George Clooney! Charles, why did you let me do this to my hair?"
"well, Sarah, you had a coupon and I couldnt stop you."
We started laughing and then I cried for 2 more days. I had to pin my bangs over to one side with bobby pins for 2 months until they started to grow out.
It was THE WORST HAIRCUT I have ever had.
Moral of the story: Pay more than 5$ for a haircut. If you cant, then find someone who doesnt look like they stepped out of a 1980's primetime drama or someone who doesnt wear so much hairspray you could light them on fire. And just because you HAVE a coupon, that doesnt mean you have to USE it.
Twist of irony here: I go to Empire Beauty School, which is owned by Empire education group.
Can you guess which hair-cutting place is owned by them?? Give you a hint. It is the home of the 7$ haircut.
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