Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Its a struggle...

a few months ago my husband said ;" Get used to the fact you have a beautiful mom, boys".  Finn (10 years old) said "yeah, but all my friends say she's kind of...you know...chubby"  It obviously hurt his feelings when his friend said that, and it embarrassed him. i felt awful for him that MY weight and MY appearance made him feel like that. I know he loves me, but I know he wishes I would take better care of myself.
My 13 year old has kind of hinted at the same thing.

 So a few months back around my birthday I took a good hard look and REALLY made some changes.   It has been amazing. I have had so many positive comments and a fantastic support at work and home and a great cheering section.
In the past 3 months  I have lost 30+ pounds. I feel better, I look WAY better. but I still have a VERY...LONG...WAY...TO...GO!!!!

I have had to buy new pants, and all my tops are getting too big.  Last Sunday I fit into a dress I haven't worn in 11 years. And it was a little loose. I couldn't believe it.

But over the past 2 weeks or so I noticed I was starting to plateau and kind of yo yo, and I was scared about undoing all my hard work. I felt like I was losing motivation, and it was getting harder for my willpower and harder for me to do it on my own. Having a doctor prescribe you something and kind of keep tabs on you is one thing, but going to an actual weight loss clinic where they REALLY keep tabs on you and are with you every step of the way, and are trained in weight loss (rather than just a family Dr.) is completely different.

So yesterday I took the plunge and went to the Weight Loss Clinic down the road.
It is a bi-weekly weigh in, it includes BMI and body fat tracking, vitamins, supplements, weekly injections, food and menu planning/nutritional counseling.
So after talking to my weight loss counselor, I realized I am going about this the wrong way. I did really well to start, but my body is starting to stall and it needs a shake up and re-boot.

 I have decided not to look at actual weight numbers. I want to be a size 12, which is a healthy, realistic goal for me.  So if my blood sugars, blood pressure, and all other things look good and I am a healthy size 12, then so be it...whether its 175 pounds or 200 pounds, I will take it.  I just want to be healthy. I just want to look good.  I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of me. I don't want them to feel like their mom is ugly, or fat and they not want me around.

But like I said I had a bit of a yo yo and some plateauing  and i got scared and needed professional intervention! so glad i did. I feel like this will help me get back on track and keep going the direction I know I need to be going.

So starting this morning I am back on track.

  • I have my multi vitamin.
  •  I have my phentramine. 
  •  I have my weekly injections.
  •  I have a food plan.
  •  I have an exercise plan.  I have to keep track of everything I eat.  I have to eat a crap ton of protein daily, and avoid certain things like dairy, nuts, peanut butter etc. things i thought were good for you.  (well they are, just not right now)

I decided to do the injection of the  MIC amino Acid shots this month.  Next month I may add B12.

i HATE needles. i HATE shots.  HATE HATE HATE.  But I bit the bullet.  I had her do it in the back of my arm.  The needle itself didn't hurt. Didn't feel that one bit.  What i DID feel was the serum being injected, and that stung like a son of a you know what.  But it is a good injection to have, and it helps keep things running smoothly.

It is out there in the universe.If I blog it, I am accountable.
  I can do this. i HAVE to do this. I owe it to my kids. I owe it to myself.

I will also be sending my dear husband that direction as well.  DH is really very handsome, albeit overweight now.   If he were to get back to where he was 12 years ago when we went on vacation to Hawaii..man, look out world.
I feel like we have been married so long (16 years!) that we have both kind of said "screw it, I don't need to look good for anyone else. My hubby/wife  loves me just the way I am".  I am sad it had come to that. I feel like I WANT to keep looking good for him. I WANT him to be proud of me. And I would hope that he would do the same for me.  i WANT him to look good for me. I want him to have me be proud of him. I want to be that couple who does the fun runs together, and has a fun and active lifestyle. I want to have a fulfilling life with him and with our kids.  I don't want to be the fat mom and dad on the couch who has a hard time doing anything. i want to teach my kids the importance of taking care of yourself and exercise and eating healthy.  i want them to know that they are the most important things in my life and  I will do what it takes to be with them as long as possible.  And I know that by being obese and unhealthy I was depriving them of that opportunity and that was really selfish of me.

So begins a new chapter.  The first 30+ was easy.  This last 30 is going to be the challenge.  But i KNOW I can do it. I am ready.
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