Friday, January 18, 2008


Hair Wreckers Anonymous

My Best Friend Lindsey and I have been through some Major hair disasters together.
Ever since we were 15 years old we have been coming up with new and inventive ways to destroy our follicles.
She,( with a series of bad perms, dye jobs and a summer of “The Rachel cut”), and I ( with bad dye jobs, and a SLEW of terrible haircuts) started our own Hair Support Group: Hair Wreckers Anonymous (HWA)
She and I are the original founding members. We are card carrying, home perm loving, bad dye job partakers of HWA. I even laminated up some fake business cards to carry in our wallet.

It started with “The Bob”...

I have very thick, naturally curly hair. When I was 16 years old, I decided I had grown tired of my long, luxurious, unsullied mane. One day out of the blue, I decided to cut off all my hair , and go with “the bob”. I went to my hairdresser Kathleen and explained my vision, to which she replied, “Oh sure I can do that” . She went to town. There were foot long pieces of curls littering the floor, down my cape, on her shoes...everywhere. She cut my hair into the standard bob, my hair evenly short all the way around, ending mid-neck…THEN she dried it with the diffuser on the end of the blow dryer. As the moisture evaporated, the hair shrunk…and the curls appeared…and my hair shrunk some more. By the time she was finished what stared back at me in the mirror was a riotous mass of curls, ending barely under my earlobes. My hair was crinkly and crunchy from the mousse and hairspray and diffused curls. I didn’t want to make a scene, so I meekly paid my money, drove home and promptly washed my hair. I let it air dry overnight and when I awoke, the bob looked little longer and the curls only slightly more natural looking.
I went to school and got a lot of “wow, what did you do to your hair” and “wow, you sure cut a lot of hair off” and “you look different with short hair”. I thought it was going rather well. People hadn't really said anything negative about it after all. THEN it happened. The first international incident of HWA:
Around 6th period art class Ed and Matt came sauntering in. Now Ed and Matt lived solely to torture me. They were of one brain/one purpose. We all sat at the same table. We all hurled insults back and forth on a daily basis. There was no love lost between me and Ed/Matt. Ed turned his gigantic noggin to look at matt and said “Hey Matt, look, it’s an up arrow!”. He said it loud enough for the whole art room to hear. Heads whipped around to see what the fuss was about...and saw Ed pointing to my hair. Laughter ensued yadda yadda yadda. For the next 4 months I sported “the up arrow”.
WHY my hairdresser thought this would be a good idea is beyond me. How long had she been cutting my hair? She should have KNOWN better than to do that.

Well it could be worse. In fact, it has been. I have been through countless hairdressers, who have all given me priceless HWA memories-

I have sported the "Jamie from Small Wonder")(Thanks Ginger)---->

<-------The Inigo Montoya of Princess Bride (Thanks Boricks)


The k.d. lang constant Craving (Thanks Fantastic Sams)-------------->


It is in a girls genetic make-up to destroy her hair. Around the age of 10 or 11, a beast emerges and REQUIRES a girl to do terrible things to her scalp and follicles. The poor hair doesn’t have a chance. Lindsey and I have been through a lot of follicle disasters throughout the past 17 years.
We have dyed our hair the same color(meaning we buy dye to change our hair color and when all is said and done it is the exact same color we started with) , terrible colors and more. We have permed, straightened, curled, cut, shagged, highlighted and crimped. We have had to buy wiglets and hair pieces to cover up our disasters, worn many a hat in our day, and are practically sole shareholders of the ponytail holder company.

The following story is paraphrased from a real conversation:

(ring ring)
SARAH: Hello?
LINDSEY: I am going to kill myself.
SARAH: What happened?
LINDSEY: Well Kelly, my sister in law, has a friend who does hair. This girl said she would dye my hair blonde.(authors note: I could sense what was coming) So I agree and she comes over. My regular hair dresser, Sue, refused to dye my hair, so I had to go behind her back to get it done. Well the whole time my scalp is burning and on fire. It hurt like hell.
SARAH: Uh –oh. What happened?(already aware something disastrous)
LINDSEY: It turned orange!
LINDSEY: Yes, so she came back to try and do a second coat on it to see if that would help. Again the burning and itching. Now my hair is fried and falling out! I cant go back to Sue, because she said she wouldn’t do it and I went behind her back. WAH!
SARAH: Can you dye it darker?
LINDSEY: I cant keep dying over it, it will make my hair worse and worse. I have a friend at Zanos. I will call her and see what she can do.”

Fortunately, Lindseys hair was (mostly) salvageable, and Lindsey(mostly) learned her lesson about backroom dye jobs and the phrase”I have a friend”.

…2 weeks later…
ring ring

SARAH: Lindsey I am going to kill myself.
LINDSEY: What did you do? Did you wreck your hair?
SARAH: Maybe…
LINDSEY: What did you do?
SARAH: Well I decided I wanted to go back to a little more red. This summer being at the pool and out in the sun so much has really killed my hair. It was all bleached out and and really light. So I went to Eckerdts and got the same dye I have always used.
SARAH: Well I dyed it and when I rinsed I got out of the shower and was towel drying my hair when Charles came in the bathroom and said “You know your hair is pink right?”
LINDSEY: WHAT?? No!!, pink?
LINDSEY: well is it maroon pink, or is it kind of a purple pink or what?
SARAH: no its “Im coming out so you better get the party started” pink!
Sarah: YES!
LINDSEY: How did this happen?
SARAH: Well I used the same color as I have always used, but the problem was I always had darker hair. This summer really lightened my hair almost to a strawberry blonde, and this dye was meant for darker hair color. I didn’t realize it would do this!
LINDSEY: OK, go back to the drugstore and get a dark brown dye. In 2-3 days color back over it with the dark color and it should balance out.

Thankfully Lindsey was right. I did however have to endure 2 days of shockingly fuchsia hair. As I colored over it, it turned to a brownish pink. Well anything was better than the pink. Gradually through being in the sun and at the pool it kind of faded back into a more normal color.
From this lesson I learned never to dye my hair without first consulting the box and not to grab “what I have always used”.

Thankfull we have been incident free for the past few months. I did 2 years ago finally find a hairdresser that i ADORE (emily at Fusions Salon in Matthews NC) and she wont let me do bad things to my hair. She does not bow to the almight dollar. She is a good, kind soul.
Recently I went behind her back and dye my own hair. Luckily it turned out well, and I wont have to go to her in embarassment and a "help me".

Lindsey has mostly been able to keep her hands off her hair. i have had no further reports of her wrecking gene kicking in.

If you or anyone you know suffers from Hair Wrecking addiction, please join HWA today.
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